Okay!So,you do shout and yell at your kids but you want to stop snapping at your child after seeing their hurtful face and that makes you feel Guilty.You make a resolution that you are going to STOP your yelling and shouting but that doesn’t lost long because you snap again and shout at your kids and your neighbors say you are a bad dad.You analyze what went wrong and you point at your kid and say ‘I wanted to be a good dad but ….you made me do it’
What you read above may not apply 100% to you but it did for me until i learned to reduce all the Yelling and shouting to a point that kids think i am a better dad,now.So you can start researching for techniques to stop snapping at your kids or you can learn some of the things i learned as i share my own research and experimentation with my kids.
If you really want to stop all the yelling you have to stop snapping and for that you have to take responsibility for your temper and your state of mind.By pointing your finger at your Kids and saying ‘You made me shout at you’ you are giving the power to control you to your kids.
1.Ask yourself if your Shouting and yelling has made your kids to change their negative attitude.
2.Your Kids will Model you and will start to Yell and shout at others.And you will get more Mad and start to shout at them more.Stop this vicious cycle.
3.Next time when your child does something and you are about to exhaust your last drop of patience…Calmly say “Will you listen to me and do something for me if i say it affectionately instead of shouting and yelling at you?” .There is no 100% guarantee that your kid will suddenly become a angel and start listening to you but there is a very good change.If your child is too tough for this,well,there are more than one way to calm your children.
Not all parents know the power of positive thinking and how with negative thoughts and attitudes
self sabotage our lives leading us in to worries ,phobias and ultimately in to depression.Personally i myself grew up as a Prince of Negative Thoughts and Attitudes as far as my memory goes in to my childhood.Worrying and anger were the Top negative issues i had growing up.I realized how these negative attitudes were playing their hand in keeping my life miserable and how i needed to think Positively to make my life better when i started reading some books on Positive thinking.I gradually changed myself from being a person with negative attitude to beome a positive person.
I understand that we are here to learn about how to change our kids negative thoughts and attitudes and not to learn about myself.But if you are not seeing what i am doing here,i need you to understand that,if your child has negative attitude the first step is to make sure that your child didn’t inherit the negativity from you.In that case you have to start working on yourself and change yourself first and your child will pick up the positive glow from you and will change his or her negative ways eventually.
But if you are a Positive person with a nice attitude and your children have recently picked up unwanted negative attitudes from others we can easily change the child’s negative behaviour with storytelling.
First things first.Negative Behaviour or negative attitude is such a broad term.First we have to single out specifically what kind of negative attitude you want to change in your child and you have to tell the story to attack that particular trait.
Lets do a case study of how i helped my son with a story.
My son was kind of saying that he had no friends at school and at play.I wanted to help him out and i started to observe him while he is at play with his playmates.He was constantly getting angry at the other kids.I started to observe a pattern in the fights he picked up and found the root cause of his problem.He was making fun of the other kids and was teasing other kids.For example he would do something in play and say ‘I am the first,you are the last’ and the other kids hated him.If the other kids were better than him in doing something he got angry and went mad.When he came complaining to me i said “Let me tell you a story”.
The following is the actuall story i told him.I am sure that you can do better than me but i have shared my story for you just in case you need it and find it helpful.
Outcome:To persuade him not to make fun of other and mind his own business.
Story: Once there lived a boy who runs fast.He was the fastest runner in his class.One day the boy and his classmate were playing in the school ground and they were about to run a race when a new boy asked him if he can join the race.So all the three ran the race.Our boy was leading the race and he turned back and began to make fun of his classmates who is comming behind.He said ‘I am the first,you are last!”
When he finally looked ahead of the race track he noticed that the new boy who had joined them has now gained the lead and he is nearing the finish line.The New boy won the Race.Everyone congratulated the new boy and they asked him the secret of winning the race.
The boy turned to his classmate and said “If i had not turned back and mocked at you i would have won the race.i
was irritating you and i lost both your fiendship and the Race.
Now,if you may say that this story is ordinary and it will never work in changing the child’s negative attitude of making fun of others.But it worked in a large way with my child and you may also understand how it worked when you hear me explaing how it worked.
Someone once asked me..”Why can’t you just tell your son to stop making fun of others and take of his own business directly.Why you need a story?”.I didn’t because that will not not help to change his attitude.If you are a parent you would have already tried telling and yelling commands directly at your child and one thing i bet you learned well is that it doesn’t work out that way.Why doesn’t it work?There is a psychological truth behind it.The consious mind of people does not like it when others tell them how to think and what to do.But when you tell a story,it is a metaphor.They have to go deep inside their mind and try wearing the character on them.They get the message unconsiously.It will get much more complicated if i try to explain in detail but i want you to come out with different stories for different problems you want to help your child with.And you that storytelling helps when you tell a good story and it works.
When i was a kid and even till my late teenage i had slightly protruding front Teeth.It is Probably one of the things that made me a self conscious and introvert when i grew up. I put braces for my teeth and later in my early twenties removed them and till now i have a good looking smile and healthy teeth .Even today when i tell people that i wore braces when i was a teen people will never believe it to be true.Point is…I know how much having a good oral hygiene is important to a child’s development of a positive self image particularly while they are young and growing up.
My son was having cavities and other teeth related issues ever since he started to have his first set of teeth.He is 7 now but we remember visiting the Pediatric dentists ever since he was three.In fact even now i remember his first visit to the Pediatric dentist.The dentist asked him to sit in the chair and open his mouth and my son obliged him happily.The doctor said ‘Your son is the first child who has not cried while sitting in the dental chair in my enter professional life’.But he was mad at us for feeding him in his sleep at night which supposedly caused his problems.Also we were told to visit when he is at least six years old because that is the time when his second set of teeth will start growing and that is the best time for treatment as per my doctor.So we started seeing the dentist again last year and this time my son started to get scared and started crying when the light in the dentist chair was turned on and the doctor started examining his teeth.The dentist recommended us to pay a visit every fortnight for checkup and fillings of cavities.I don’t know what happened by my son will start crying all the way from home to the dentist’s office and back to home again.I don’t know how many of you can empathize with me but as a father it was deeply disturbing to see him cry making weird noises while the dentist is forcefully examining and filling his cavities.That’s when i thought about influencing him in positive ways to co-operate with the dentist by talking to him and by convincing him totally.So the actual post starts here…It’s all about what techniques i used on him and what i said to him and how each dentist session goes….Though he has overcome his fear of the dentist to a large extent we are still seeing the dentist regularly and the complex procedures like Root canal(I know it is not complex these days but it might be complex enough for a 7 year old) are yet to be done and there is no way i can predict he will remain calm till the end of his treatment.
So i will list out some of the things i did to help my child overcome his fear of the Pediatric Dentist.
1.Understanding his Fears from his Point of View:-
Most parents wonder why the child is not co operating with the dentist and they try aggressive parenting techniques like Intimidating the kids.I am not saying that mild intimidation for the greater good of the child is a bad thing,to be honest,I had done the same thing and i would still do if it had worked.Obviously scaring kids about the consequences of not Cooperating didn’t quite work out and so i tried to dig in to the root of the problem to find other available solution.I put myself in to the shoes of my son and tried to find out(by visualizing) what is scary about sitting in that dentist chair .It may be the flash light that they flash inside the mouth or it may be the tube they put inside the mouth to such out excess water or saliva or it may be the sound of the drill they use for cleaning the teeth.I called my son who was playing for a talk.He was in a good happy state of mind and after some fluff talk i started telling him stuff like….”You know the reason why they keep the light….The light is just to help the dentist to see inside your mouth…Do you know why they put the tube inside your mouth?It is just to suck the spit out of out mouth….why they use the drill?It is just to clean the teeth and make it white and healthy….” At this point he interrupted me and told….”But the tube they put inside my mouth hurts the sides of my cheeks”.
Wow! That’s valuable information for me.This is exactly the kind of feedback i needed.I now have the exact problem and i am clear about the outcome i need to have in my mind when i communicate and persuade my son.I have to make him feel comfortable about having that tube in his mouth.Now i don’t have to talk about the lights or the drill sound or thousand other things that were supposed to make him scared.(Now your child can have a different thing that scares him that is entirely different than my son’s but the context of your conversation is going to be the same like mine…Only the content is different.)
So the minutes of the first step are a.Think from the child’s point of view and frame a conversation so that you get some feedback so that you can single out the first thing that causes him to fear the visit to the dentist.
2. Repetition is the key:Now start telling your child stories which involve the problem at hand but in a positive way.I tell my son that i saw a girl the other day in the dentist’s office and how she cooperated fully well….she was not afraid when the doctor inserted the tube to such excess saliva out. When everything was done she looked very pretty with the cutest of the smiles …etc..I sometimes tell him how he was brave when he was a kid at the dentist’s chair and the compliments he received.The key is repeat these small anecdotes and stories many times.Repetition ensures that your child has the positive seeds planted firmly in their minds and rest assured that their courage is going to sprout out the next time they are in the dentists office.