Often times we will be in situations where we won’t be feeling comfortable discussing some topics with some people.In such situations we may need to change the subject of the conversation away from what that makes you feel uncomfortable and towards topics that will give you a upper hand.
There are a whole lot of NLP power phrases available,which you can learn,to successfully do this in any conversation in your day to day life.Once you learn some of these and add it in your Toolkit the possibilities are Endless here…you can apply it in your Personal,Business or in your day to day conversations with strangers.We can successfully change the direction of a conversation towards the subject or topic you want it to Proceed but first you have to decide if you are going to do this the soft way or with authority.
The REDEFINE Pattern is a NLP technique that allows you change the topic of a conversation away from the topic you are not comfortable with authority and style.
The redefine pattern goes like this ‘The issue is not about ‘their subject’ but about ‘your subject’.
If you don’t understand the hang of this language pattern yet,stay with me,and you will realize the power of the REDEFINE pattern when i explain it with an example in a Business Scenario.
You are a Team leader and you are assigned a difficult Project that needs to be completed in the next two weeks.
You arrange a Team meeting and break this news to your team mates and they revolt saying how difficult the task is or how it is impossible to achieve in the given deadline.
Your team members are struck in a negative routine finding reasons why they cannot do the given task while you have organized this meeting to discuss how to plan this task.If you are going to say nothing your team members will eventually persuade the other members and even you to start thinking of ways to escape the task.But Luckily you know the REDEFINE pattern and know exactly what to say to steer them away from their negativity and Towards the subject that need to be addressed.
Picture this…..You stand up and say….
“The issue is not about the difficulty of this task but about how we are about to plan to complete it within the deadline,for which we all are getting paid .”
Just in case you don’t realize what you have done here
….You have closed all the doors and opened the only door to the room where you want to lock them in.Now you have indirectly suggested that the only thing that you are going to talk in this meeting is about the plans for achieving the given task and not about anything else.
Now that you have started to understand the power of the REDEFINE pattern to change the subject and direct the conversation to the topic you want to talk about.
Let’s see a variation of this technique in the sales scenario.You are a salesman and the customer is stalling from buying the product ,even though he likes it because he thinks it is overpriced.
“The Real Problem here is not that this Product is costing you a few extra bucks more but that it is exactly what you wanted for your home.”
Mirroring is one of the most usable tool from Neuro linguistic Programming that can be put to use in our day to day real life situations though its usage is widely known in the dating and flirting scenarios.Mirroring is a Rapport gaining Technique.Mirroring body language creates instant Rapport between two people,even between complete strangers.
One of my clients who learned the Mirroring Technique from me Wrote back to me,as below…
I just finished reading your work and of course I’m going to read it again and again but just to make sure I understand. The only thing necessary to master this skill is to be able to catch what non verbal communication they do and mimic that and they will feel a connection with you and like you?
My Answer is…
Technically in NLP (Neuro linguistic Programming) we call this ‘Make anyone like you’ thing as RAPPORT.
Once you gain the RAPPORT with anyone they will Listen to you and continue further conversation with you with interest.
If you don’t gain initial Rapport the other person will try to end the conversation and get on with their business.
What we are doing here by mimicking their ‘nonverbal hello’ is…we are sending a message to their subconscious that you are similar to the other person.This will make them like you.
If you still wonder how this could work out…I would recommend you to Try this with people in real life….Start with ordinary people like your subordinate or waiter etc…before trying it on your boss.And,get back to with your feedback.I will help you to integrate this working technique in real life.
Never hesitate to contact me anytime.
The following is the review of one the Example Review of a mean letter written by someone who is hurt by a homewrecker.The following is what i wrote back to her.
I have read ever single thing you sent me.I have just three things to correct because Your Letter is already perfect and i find it hard to find
You are starting your letter with accusation like below
“You don’t seem to have the Time or energy to respond to my messages? Hilarious but you have the time and energy to be a homewrecker and cheat with my man behind my back. Here you go…We are all well aware that the man is to blame too. However, if women kept their legs and HEARTS closed to Married men then they would be unable to cheat!”
When she reads the first few lines she is going to get defensive and will not probably read the rest of the letter or she might just read it fast.To make her Read the full letter you must start the letter with the ‘Agreement frame’ or the ‘Secret Frame’
Example of how you can start with the Agreement Frame:
I read your text and i cannot help but agree with some of the things you said…
(This will feed her curiosity and make her read the whole letter hoping to find what you agree with. Actually you don’t have to agree with anything she said.It is just a ploy to make her read the whole letter,sometimes she will be reading again to find out what she missed while reading the first time.That’s the way you can make her feel weak.)
The Secret Frame is similar.Start by saying
I shouldn’t be saying these things to you and i should be keeping this as a secret but i thought it would be nice if you know these too…(She should be searching the whole letter for the secret and of course she is not going to find anything because you are not going to say anything)
Your letter is good.But it lacks only one thing.A outcome.If i were writing a letter to her my outcome will be to confuse her and stop her from having a nice time with my ex.
What if i confuse her and make her argue with Peter about something he doesn’t like.He is just out of a break up and the last thing
he want is a nagging women asking him to give a committed relationship.
So i would say something like below….
“I imagined how pathetic you will feel once Peter leaves you and your kids for another home wrecker.At that moment i felt sad…
Sad because Peter will never consider having children with low life women like you and so you will never experience the abandonment with your
kids.If you don’t believe me just take some time and watch out how things unfold between you and him… ”
Imagine after reading those lines she gives pressure to Peter to have a committed relationship.I can’t give the whole thing….but hope you get the drift.You can even change the Plot to something else if you don’t like the Kid stuff i have come up with….But have a outcome in mind while writing the letter.
Your letter is too long.You need to remove unneeded paragraphs if you her to read the whole letter.
Otherwise your letter is good.I wish you good luck.
Have you ever bought a Product for a higher Price only to find out that your neighbor or Relative has bought the same Product at a much lower Price.You may get a sulking feeling right at that point of time but looking at the bright side of things,what they know is the valuable skill of haggling and the good news is you to can be a good haggler and convince anyone to lower the price while buying anything.
Lets take a real life scenario….you are interested in buying something from a seller and you have to convince them to lower the price.Wow!A really interesting way to profit from your People skills.I can think of a lot of techniques from Neuro Linguistic Programming to Psychology that can be applied here to haggle and get the price reduced.Let’s take a step by step approach to haggling for reducing the price of things you purchase.
0.Break the internal Resistance:
Before even starting your first step in to haggling i got something.I do this every time when i am not good at something but want to become a expert on it.Most people who don’t know the value of this step will consider this as just fluff step but let me enlighten you by asking a question.
Do you know what stops you from haggling for a better deal while others are doing it?
The answer is ‘You’.You and you only are Resisting your development to become a better bargainer.It’s the voice inside your mid that has been saying things like ‘He/she won’t lower the price’ or ‘He/she can’t afford to Reduce the Price’ etc…
Now,Relax and sit back and ask yourself ‘What stops you from becoming a expert haggler or at least a better bargainer’?
You will come up with answers like ‘I am scared that the seller will get offended’ to thousand different answers based on who is asking the question.But the answer is the resistance that we are providing to ourselves from getting good at Bargaining.So lets’s say my Answer is ‘I am worried that the Sellers will say something insulting’ like ‘Get out of my shop if you don’t want to buy’ .
So i will Rationalize thus…
Will i enter his shop again if he says such a thing and whose loss is it?If you can Come up with something that will negate and Kill your Resistance then you have done this step right.
In Reality sellers will have a Benchmark Price that they will have in mind.They will first Try to sell you stuff with a higher Profit margin.But if you Prove to them that you are a lovable haggler then they normally would part with their stuff if you ask a Price that is somewhat near the Price in their mind.
1. Mindset of a haggler-The Psychology of a Bargainer
It Doesn’t mater even if you are the shyest person in the universe just for the moment picture yourself as a master haggler or put yourself in the shoes of a master bargainer.You can come back and be the shy person later but just for the moment imagine that you can talk your way in to and out of anything.And Today you are going to enjoy your experience of haggling with that seller over there and get his wares at a special price.You just Enjoy the whole Process of Haggling and bargaining not just the part where you get stuff at a steal price.
You need to have a hagglers mindset to become a haggler.You can get such mindset either by using Affirmations or by Modelling a Expert bargainer.
I have a lot to say about these two techniques of Affirmations and Modelling by i will just give a Brief intro here.
Affirmation is a technique where you repeat a Positive catch phrase often to yourself and your unconscious mind starts believing what you say to be true.Often we use this same affirmation technique negatively to make us less secure.For example so many people say often to themselves ‘I am not good at xyz’ and guess what…they have really succeeded in making themselves suck at doing xyz.I guess that you can get an idea about how powerful affirmations are.Let’s frame some Affirmation phrase for our bargaining scenario now.
“I am a master Haggler and i love to haggle”
“I am becoming better and better at haggling and i love it”
“I am happy to be the expert Haggler that i am now.”
The above are just examples and you an personalize your own affirmation sentence yourself.The only rule is don’t use any negative words in your catch phrase.A good example will be “I don’t fear haggling anymore” since the presence of word fear will make you unconsciously fear.
Once you have formed your catch phrase you have to keep reminding yourself by repeating the sentence again and gain.Chant it like mad.Chant it like a Buddhist monk who chants ‘Om mani padme hum’.
Do you know anyone in your fiends or relatives circle who is an expert haggler?Who can bargain and get a deal even in a supermarket? If You can model their haggling behavior you will be surprised at the results you get.Modeling is just observing an expert haggler’s voice tone,body language,physiology while he or she is at their act and mimicking them while you haggle.If you cannot wrap your head around how this will help you then you can sidestep the ‘Modeling’ technique but the fact is it works,every time and always.So i would personally recommend you to try this for a few times before discarding it completely.
1.Approach.Mindset.Be like the other person so that he will like you.
2.Don’t haggle for the Price immediately.First build a Rapport.
How to have the confidence to talk to people and make them continue the conversation
The number one fear that prevents people approaching another human being and have a nice conversation is not the fear of approach.It is the fear of running out of things to say in the middle of conversation.I have planned to give two examples of how a shy guy will approach the conversation with a random girl and then how a Confident Guy takes the conversation to the next level with confidence.
The following is the conversation between a girl and a not so confident shy man.
Shy guy:Nice bike.I am planning to buy this same brand for my sister.How comfortable is it to ride?
Shy guy:Okay.(Thinking in mind ‘She is not talking to me’ and already exiting the conversation)
<Note:Now most shy guys stall at this point and are stuck thinking what to say next.They think the girl is uninterested and wants you to go away.
Most of the time it may not be the truth but it is just the way you read the situation.You have to consider the body language of the other person in this kind of situations.When you approach a person look if they just turn only their upper body towards you or their whole body towards you.In other words notice where their foot is pointing.If it is pointing towards you that means they are interested and okay with having the conversation with you.You can continue the conversation as long as they keep their foot pointing at the general direction you are standing.If they are responding to you by just turning their torso or upper body towards you and their foot’s big thumb is pointing some where else that mean’s they are ready to move and in that case it is best for you to let them go.>
Some of the Confident guys will still continue the conversation like below…
Confident guy:Nice bike.I am planning to buy this same brand for my sister.How comfortable is it to ride?
(Confident guy notices her body language.It doesn’t seem that she is ready to move away.Time to throw the next punch)
Confident guy:How long you waited after booking the bike.I heard for this model there is a 1 month wait time.
Girl:I got no idea.
<Note: Shy guys would have went home locked their door and cried at this point thinking that the girl is ignoring.But Confident guys are curious. They ask a simple question…because the only feeling they have at this time is CURIOSITY>
Confident guy: WHY?
<Note:Now she has to open up.A ‘why’ question requires a detailed answer and cannot be answered in single words.The more you get people to talk with you the more comfortable they will feel in talking with you>
Girl:Oh!I got no idea because this is my friend’s bike.I came to buy stuff for her birthday party.
Confident guy: So you must be in a party mood tonight.
<Note:Note how the smooth talker tries to change the Topic from Bike to Party mood.Shy people would have kept on talking
about the Bike for a long time and the Girl would have got bored and said sayonora already>
Confident Man: And your friend should be having a nice taste of things. She’s got the best looking bikes and friends.
<Note:Complement them.Don’t complement them openly.Complement them indirectly.This is a whole art in itself but the above complement should give you some ideas)
She: Still silent but this time smiles and blushes a bit.
Confident Man:Have you finished shopping for the party?Because i can suggest some things to buy that is a must for the party…
Girl: Hmmm.I can use some help.I have never organised a party…
<Note:And the conversation goes on and on until it ends after they turn off the lights and go to sleep.Ok that may be a little bit exaggerated but it will go on until the Confident Guy parts with her number)
Take aways from the above conversation:
1.Don’t just listen to what they say and base your decision on it.Be Aware of how they say it.Read their body language.Time your
response based on it.
2.Don’t just give up and end the conversation at the first instance of resistance.
If you are given a hand gun and asked to shoot a
bottle at a distance and your life depended on shooting it…will you quit the first time as soon as your bullet miss the target?
You have five more bullets and you will not quit till you empty all the five bullets…Right?
Then why are you holding back your bullets in a conversation?
3.Always be Curious.Confidents are Curious.You can be as good at Confidents by just being genuinely curious to know more about the other
4.Always give a complement.And the complement should be indirect and discreet,at least in the beginning.
5.If the other person is a girl and you are interested in her move to Flirting as early as it is practically possible in the conversation.
6.Change the conversation topic regularly.Notice how the confident guy Started talking about bikes…then about party…then about shopping for
party etc…Otherwise the conversation will become boring.
Softeners are excellent linguistic tools to soften the tone of the message that we are about to say,particularly when we are about to say something that is not what the listener is hoping to hear.They are useful to avoid offending other peoples belief system, to convey politeness when we speak,or to qualify your speech.In this post we will look at various diplomatic words and phrases that are good examples of softeners that can be used in our conversations in our day to day lives.Finally we will finish it off by exposing how something as soft as softeners can be used as a offensive conversation tool by NLP experts.
Let’s first start from the basic and simple examples of softeners.One of the softener phrases most people use is ‘Frankly…’ and ‘I am afraid…’
Let’s say are sitting in a Park bench and the person sitting next to you has just gone to buy something entrusting you to look after his place till he returns.Here comes a stranger and asks politely ‘Excuse me,is this seat taken?’.You can just reply ‘It is already taken’ but being a nice person you may like to say ‘I am afraid to say that the seat is already taken’. Here the phrase ‘I am afraid’ acts as a softener to convey the bad news that there is no seat available.Let’s see some more examples of softeners that can be used in our ‘Park bench’ scenario.
- Unfortunately,this seat has already been taken.
- To be honest,the seat is already taken.
- Well,it is already taken by the gentleman over there.
- Actually,it is already taken.
You may notice that most of the time softener phrases are at the beginning of the sentence,though it is not a rule.One of the things we are doing is Priming or warning them that they are going to hear something that they may not be comfortable hearing.Personally i use softener not just as a diplomatic tool to appear polite but also to buy some time to what to say next-Fillers.For example if the stranger that comes to you and says ‘Excuse me,is this seat taken?’ is a hot young girl of your dreams instead of blurting out ‘It is already taken’….You might say ‘Actually…’ then take some time and reassess the situation and say ‘He went somewhere and hasn’t returned in a while….So,sure you can sit, at least till he returns’ (To be honest,i needed this example to illustrate how to use softeners as a time buying tool.If you don’t like it i strongly encourage you to come up with your own better example)
NLP practitioners use softener phrases before delivering their highly persuasive language patterns.What Softeners do here is…They make the listener primed(get ready) for something the NLP guy or girl is about to tell.Picture that you are sitting in that park bench and the NLP guy will come along and say “Do you mind if I tell you something…” and you will get ready and Focus all your attention on what he is about to say next and he will say something like “…your pants are unzipped.You may have forgot to Zip it.”