Before i lay down my solutions and healing techniques to help overcome abandonment issues in adults that is carried forward from childhood ,I want to reveal that i am not a psychologist or psychiatrist or anything.I talk from the understanding i gained from my own experience and from the experiences of similar people who were struggling with abandonment issues as adults,with whom i had a chance to interact and help with.
The Fear of abandonment is a traumatic feeling experienced not just by children.It is a issue faced by adults across all ages and seniors also. Most of us think that people with the fear of abandonment acquired it because they have lost someone who loved them and are very close to them during their childhood,like a father or mother or both parents.While that is true to some extend many people may exhibit all the symptoms of abandonment issues but they may not have lost their parents.The reason can be a lot of things,Maybe they were Emotionally abandoned by parents who were too busy to physically and emotionally care for their children or they may have just grown up with the wrong Perception that their parents don’t care and love them and they may have based their perception on some specific incidents and memories from childhood.
Abandonment Issues can be categorized in to two Types
Physical abandonment is what a child goes through when he/she loses one or both of their Parents and have to relocate to live with a distant relative.It can also be when the father or mother has left the family to live with some other person. Emotional Abandonment:
Emotional Abandonment is when a Person who is very close to you suddenly stopped loving and caring for you.Or it can be that even though you grow up with both your parents you felt that you didn’t receive the love and care you needed as a Child.Make no mistake,Emotional Abandonment is equally painful like Physical Abandonment.
Signs and Symptoms of Abandonment issues in adults
If you are single….
Do you feel lonely and Bored and you yearn for that special someone you always dream about.Yet, when you come across someone resembling the one in your dream ,you avoid them.You avoid talking to them,avoid even seeing them because deep inside you feel you are not worthy of them.But you daydream that that special person will fall in love with you stalk you and get in to a relationship with you.
Are you Jealous of other people in relationship? Are you jealous and cry in your heart when someone you are attracted to talks and mingles socially with other people?
Are you over emotional ?You have grown up still you react like a child in specific situations and people.
Do you suppress your emotions and try hard not showing any emotions to other people?
Do you second-guess and rewind and playback every single thing you said in a conversation because it will be misinterpreted by others and start worrying?
If you are in a relationship…
1.Do you try hard and go out of your ways to impress your partner because you want to keep them and you don’t want to get abandoned.
2.Do you suspect that your partner will leave you for someone else and keep a watchful eye on them?Are you clingy and needy and make your partner suffocated?
3.Do you fall for unavailable partners who don’t care about you and for people who are way below your league?
If you are a Parent…
Do you feel uncontrollable anger and get upset at your child when they cry loudly or Talk loudly or when they put you in specific situations outside your comfort zone?
Do you blame your children for everything and expect them to behave like adults.Do you expect them to take responsibility for their feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but you yourself are not good at it?
You want your kids to be more emotionally intelligent and have the social skill that you lacked.But,when they learn and mirror your behavior you get nervous and you shout and get mad at them.
What does it mean when a person starts looking up to their right and stays that way for at least a few seconds and keep on repeating that gesture again and again either when they are in a conversation with you or just sitting silently opposite you in a table?As per the Eye cue charts of NLP(Neuro linguistic Programming) a Person’s eye looks up to their Right when they are actively constructing images in their head.Some Neuro linguistic Practitioners over generalize this and just say that a person is lying when their eyes look up to their right.
Note that i have said ‘eyes look up to THEIR right’ everywhere to make it clear that their eyes are looking to their OWN right hand side.If are sitting opposite to them and talk to them then they would be more or less looking above your left ear when they are constructing images in their mind.If you are seeing yourself as the point of reference then’when a person looks UP and TO YOUR Left'(Their Right!) means that the person is apparently Lying.
Let’s see some pictures of people’s eyes looking up to their right(Your left,if you are facing them)
In the above picture you are now facing the woman in the image and she is Looking Up to her Right.
Now look at the two Picture below and the text ‘Eyes Up Left’ for the first picture and ‘Eyes Up Right’ for the second picture.
The Girl’s eyes and the first image’s eyes are focused on the same direction but their description of the girl’s Image says ‘Eyes looking up to their Right’ whereas the Tight lipped smiley’s Description says ‘Eyes up left…’.Now you may ask which one is Right.The answer is Both. In the Girl’s image the description is based on her Perception whereas in the smiley’s case it is mentioned based on the audience’s(Your) perception.
Eyes looking Up to your RightThe following is the NLP eye cue Chart that explains what a person is going through in different eye Positions.
So,there was someone biting their nails in your presence and you want to know what is the meaning of this particular body language gesture.I would just encourage you to take a wild guess since nail biting gesture is so straight forward that anyone can guess its general meaning.
If you have guessed that a person is under stress,tension or anxiety if they bite their nails then pat yourself on your back since you are getting good at reading body language.Now that we have given the general meaning let me tell you what nail biting does not mean.Some people think that nail biting is some sort of flirting signal since it may look cute when someone bites their nails but the truth is that it is not.It may even mean that the person you are observing is stressed or uncomfortable by your presence.Another point to note is that when someone bites their nails in your presence that means that they don’t care what you think about them ,because they are so preoccupied with what is causing them the stress that they ignore your presence.Keep in mind that nail biting is a well known negative trait and people won’t consciously bite their nails before someone they want to impress.
When you try to make eye contact and you look at the face of a man or women and you note that they have a Tight lipped expression,lips tightly pressed against each other,it can mean that they are just tense or nervous.
Tight lipped mouth is generally interpreted as a negative expression and is a sign of disinterest towards the person of opposite sex in the immediate vicinity.But the fact can be just that the tight lipped person is feeling a sexual tension with the other person and is feeling tense and nervous,which are not a bad thing to feel.If you are getting a Tight lipped expression or a tight lipped smile one of the things you can do is to try to deescalate the tension and try to build comfort with the other person.You can try to calm them by looking away briefly and give them some space and Time and help them to open up to you.
Tense lips may look similar to a Tight lipped expression but the main difference is that the lips are pulled-in in a closed mouth position.Technically when a person has tense lips they retract the lips slightly in so that part of lips come between the upper and lower teeth.Tense lipped facial expression mean that the person is mad or upset at someone or something. Generally Tense lipped expression is accompanied by a raised eyebrow expression.
Very few eye cues are as straight forward to interpret as Rolling eyes.Even the dictionary gives a clear cut meaning for ‘rolling eyes’.
Rolling Eyes-to move your eyes around in a circle because someone has said or done something stupid or strange
Now that we have clearly illustrated how a eye rolling will look like with the help of the beautiful model in the above picture and what ‘Rolling eyes’ mean with the dictionary meaning we can move to the other aspects of what ‘eye rolling’ means to the speaker and what it does to the people in the receiving end of it.
Though Teens are the obvious heavy users of the eye rolling gesture many adults also display this behavior though they subtly hide it or stop it in the middle. Both men and women roll their eyes when they want to belittle the speaker for something they said or did.When someone rolls their eyes at you they are doing it as if they are telling their imaginary audience “look at this guy!He is so annoying and frustrating to talk to.”
Since eye rolling is considered as a direct aggressive gesture and almost all people understand what it really means people generally get mad when they are at the receiving end of this gesture.They may also want to know the ways to respond or comebacks when someone rolls their eyes at them.Let’s analyze the scenario from everyone’s perspective.
Firstly,when someone rolls their eyes at you,you should try to view why they are doing it from their shoes.In defense of the eye roller,they are choosing to say that ‘your are dumb’ non-verbally instead of directly saying it verbally and that itself means that they are showing some consideration to the other person.Sometimes the eye roller may not be in a dominant position to say ‘you are dumb’ and hence expresses it non-verbally.An example may be a store Girl Rolling her eyes at the middle aged man trying to hold on to a personal conversation with her.It will be unfair if we were to tell you should not roll your eyes at your customer.She has to have a way to express herself to let some of her steam and stress out of her,Right?
Now let’s look at the feelings of the person at the receiving end of the Eye roll.Some people go so mad at this gesture that they have openly expressed their urge to punch in the eye of the eye roller.Some people even call out “Did you just roll your eyes at me?” which just induces more eye rolling in return or the answer “What are you talking about” from the eye roller.
Personally i would recommend to ignore the eye rollers and get on with your life.Ask yourself why the eye rolling is making you upset or angry?Try to find the answer and do something to rectify it.However if you insist on a way to respond or to do a comeback i would recommend the following.
Ask them in the most serious way you possibly can “Did something i said bothered or annoyed you because i noticed it in the way you rolled your eyes.Can you help me to correct myself by verbally stating your situation?”. This is the better verbal approach without escalating the situation further.
Another way is to acknowledge their eye roll and let them know you received their gesture well.Let’s say you are talking to a Teenager and you get the ‘Eye Roll’ you stop what you were saying and tell them “Okay…I got it.You are not in a good mood now.
Imagine a person,preferably a woman,sitting with both hands pressed together at palms wedged between the legs around the thighs.Can you see her slightly leaning forward and presenting a good view of their upward body? So 90% of people who try to guess her state of mind and the emotions she is going through at the moment will say that she is attracted to someone and she is displaying seductive body language cues.My two cents is that we cannot immediately come to the conclusion that the person is attracted to someone she is listening to,just based on this standalone gesture alone but it may be true if it is accompanied by other positive signals like dilated pupils and engorged lips and a sly smile and thousand other things that may indicate interest.
You know you are thinking that a picture is worth a thousand ways and we can just post a picture of a Girl sitting with her hands wedged between her thighs and save the thousand words describing the pose.
So this is the sitting position i am talking about.If only the girl in the picture had kept both her feet together in line it would have been a better match for our post. But just imagine that her front leg is also in line with the other leg and her hand position is exactly as it is now.
I wanted to know what my friends thought about this posture and i showed them a few picture and asked for their interpretation of this body language of a girl sitting with hands wedged between her thighs.The following are some of the interesting interpretations or meanings they came up with.
1.She is feeling cold and placed her hands between thighs to feel warm.
2.She has the urge to go to the Restroom and she is holding it back because she is in the middle of a conversation.
3.She is expecting something to happen or waiting for someone and she is waiting anxiously or impatiently.
4.She is nervous about something and she is displaying pacifying behavior and trying to keep her comfortable in a uncomfortable situation.
5.She is trying to hide something and she is restricting her hands between her thighs since she unconsciously fears that her hands will some movements that will betray her.
6.She is relaxed and is not Self-consciousness and is just enjoying herself.(This personally makes a lot of sense to me and is my Pick too.)
Picture her raising her shoulders almost such that it touches her ears on either side of her head.Seen many poses of women doing this pose in many music videos to show that the actor is relaxed happy and enjoying the environment she is in.It is almost like they are locking in the good feelings they are having at the moment by locking their hands in between their legs.
So what do you think?What makes you more sense to you?Please Comment with your experience with someone sitting in this particular pose.
First things first. Let’s first clear out how a pouting lower lip will look like before we learn what all the things this particular body language gesture may mean.The following is a exaggerated version of a child pouting lower lip which i have intentionally selected over other pictures of women with pouting lower lip.The main reason is that women pout their lower lip but they do it very subtly and covertly but small kids make it very obvious when they pout their lower lip to let us know what they are feeling inside.
So what is that which a child wants to show us with a obvious pouting lip and a women wants to subtly display to another person with a slight pouting lower lip? The answer is quite obvious if you look at the above picture and answer me what you think is the emotional state of the child is.Take a guess and if you can’t come up with anything,Try again.
Displeasure: A Pouting lower lip may be a gesture to display the displeasure at someone or something.Change the cartoon channel to News channel and you kid may show this gesture or stare at a women who is in no mood to socialize and you may get to see this same gesture,though subtly -so subtly that it may be confused with a perked up lip.
The Irony is,since a woman’s covert Pouting lip resembles a Perked up lip for the untrained eyes most people think that the women is attracted to them and showing flirtatious signals while it actually means the extreme opposite.
Feeling Insulted:When you scold a child for something she did you may seen this gesture.It is a child’s way of saying ‘I am feeling insulted’.
A pouting lip may also mean disappointment, annoyance, sadness, disagreement or uncertainty.
Most people assume that when a person is biting their own lips they are just giving a seductive signal to the opposite sex near them or talking to them.It may be particularly true when there are other clusters of accompanying flirt signals or if they are checking them out while or before biting their lips but it is unsafe to assume that a lower or upper lip biting indicates interest in the opposite sex ,just as a standalone gesture.Although we would picture a woman when we talk about ‘biting lips’ most men also display this body language to express their romantic interest or to show that they are interested and aroused.
Having said that biting lips can mean a lot of other things like fear,anxiety or a suppressing action when it is done outside a seduction setting.Bottom lip bite signifies anticipation as opposed to upper lip bite which indicates apprehension or fear that something bad is about to happen.This makes lip biting hard to read.For example you are checking out a women standing close to you and she kind of bites her lower lip.It may be because she is attracted to you and she is giving flirty signals out.It may also mean that she is feeling uncomfortable in the situation she has found herself in and is anxiously biting her lips.When a person feels anxious biting their lips helps them pacify themselves from the stress. Some men and women may have developed lip biting as a habit and they may repeat it again and again when they enter in to some kind of situation or a mental state of mind.Once you figure out what kind of state they are in then you can always guess the time they enter that emotional state just by tracking their lip biting pattern.
Biting the Upper lip Vs Biting the lower lip
Most people bite their lower lip or the below lip but there are some who bite the upper lip also.Biting the upper lip is not generally considered as sexy as biting the lower lip.apprehension.
So analyze the content and context of the situation you are in before analyzing the meaning when someone in your vicinity bites their own lips . With enough practice you can separate out a seductive lip biting from a anxiety based one.
Do you find that generally people are looking away and seem to avoid holding direct eye contact with you either while talking to you or when you are meeting them for the day and just trying to say hello to them?And you are here to find the reason?Honestly,If you want to find the answer to why someone in particular is avoiding eye contact with you the possibilities are almost endless!The good news is that i will be trying to cover almost all possibilities and if you relate it to your particular context you will most likely find the correct reason why they act like that and you can also do something about it.
Firstly,if you have already established a good rapport,trust and relationship with someone who is avoiding looking you in your eye the best option available to you is asking them smoothly why they are not looking at you and try to get a direct answer from them.This approach is very direct and straight forward in theory but watch out for some pitfalls when you practically implement it.For Starters people don’t give a direct answer or they lie and way led you and thus will make you spend your time and effort in waste.Then,some people get offended when someone directly ask them why they are not looking eye to eye.Recently i happened to introduce my niece to my neighbor John,who is a Jerk by anybody’s standards.He was much older than her and he was saying stuff like why blondes are dumb and talked in a condescending manner.While we were about to part our ways he remarked ‘You were even not able to look me in my eyes’ and my niece shot back with ‘I can look at someone when there is something nice to look at!’. My neighbor was clearly embarrassed and i was having a hard time controlling my smile.By the way,when i asked my niece why she acted that way she said that though she didn’t find him physically repulsive she didn’t like his condescending conversation and wanted to get away as soon as possible.The takeaway from this incident is that i have the following Point to share with everyone.
The following are the list of reasons for someone to look away or to avoid eye contact with you.
1.If someone is looking away and not locking eye contact with you during a Conversation that may be because they are not feeling comfortable with the Topic of the conversation.
So the next time you want to make someone who is looking away to look at your face while you are talking, just change the topic of your conversation and see if you are getting any positive feedback.It is highly likely that the target will look in to your eyes when your topic is interesting to them.There is also another technique to test if they are avoiding eye contact really because they are not comfortable with what you are saying.When they are looking away just say something with their name in it and check if they start looking at you and hold the eye contact for several more moments or not.If someone looks at you when you call their name and immediately away then it is a sure sign that they are feeling uncomfortable with something.For example if you are talking about your supporting views on the recent immigration laws to Billy and you notice Billy is looking away you can test if he is uncomfortable with the topic by saying ‘Do you agree?Billy’ and still you don’t get much eye contact from Billy then that may probably mean that billy holds opposite views and it is much better to change the topic if you want to get further rapport with Billy.
2.If someone is looking away and not locking eye contact with you that may be because they don’t like you.
3.If someone is looking away and not locking eye contact with you that may be because they are shy or feeling anxious or having low self esteem.
4.If someone is not looking at you while talking to you they may be feeling guilty for something that they did or going to do to you or they are hiding something from you.
You can’t say that someone is lying or hiding something from you with 100% certainty just because they are not looking you straight in the eye but watch out for some of the below body language that may accompany avoiding eye contact to confirm for sure.
Hands touching the neck or the mouth regions.Some People even cover their mouth with fingers.
Touching their own nose.The hands involuntarily tries to cover the mouth but people become conscious and will try to avert it thus landing the hands on the nose area.
Scratching the back of the neck and rubbing of the eyes.
5.People Generally avoid eye contact when they are bored or disinterested or they are distracted with something else.